Sarah vs The Breakup
by Altonish
Summary: Post 3.10 - It's make or break time for Sham. Sarah has some bad news for Agent Shaw. Sarah might just break his heart. Well...you know not his heart, but maybe his facial expression coprocessor. It's pure Sham.
1. Chapter 1 The Breakup

_Disclaimer: Despite how close this story is to an actual scene from the show, I don't own Chuck. Heck at this point, I barely even like Chuck. To the bastards who do own Chuck…well, you suck. _

_A/N: So I apologize for this, but I'm a little frustrated with Chuck right now. So I give you Sarah vs. The Breakup._

Sarah stepped out of the cab. The house was adorable; two stories with a slightly colonial feel although it wasn't old enough to be a true colonial. She opened the picket fence in front of the house and stepped up the walk to the front door. She knocked twice firmly on the door and waited. Inside a dog barked and then she heard footsteps heading towards the door. Sarah took a quick breath and blew it out before plastering a smile on her face.

"Sam!" Dan's face beamed as he opened the door. "You're finally here."

"Yep," Sarah replied. Dan moved away from the door and Sarah stepped inside. He moved in to kiss her and Sarah turned her head away, so that Dan kissed her on the cheek.

Dan looked confused when he pulled back and looked at her. "Is something wrong?" Sarah opened her mouth to answer, but no sound came out. While she was trying to remember the explanation she'd been working on the entire trip from Los Angeles, Dan started to frown. "Where are your bags? Didn't you bring anything with you?"

"Dan…" Sarah started, but he interrupted.

"Please, call me, Agent Shaw."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Right. Agent Shaw, I… I can't move to D.C."

"You can't?"

"No. I'm sorry."

Dan pouted. "But why not? I thought… I thought we were happy? Is it too soon?"

Sarah twisted her fingers nervously. "See, here's the thing. I kind of have feelings for Chuck."

"Chuck?" Dan snapped back like he'd been slapped. "Chuck Bartowski?"

Sarah nodded. "Yep, that's the Chuck."

"You're in love with Chuck?"

Sarah shook her head violently. "No, no, no, I never said love. I just have feelings. Who knows what they are. I've never tried to explore them. I mean we just kind of look longingly at each other and… Well it's like a game of chicken. We get closer and closer to actually doing something and then at the last second one of us pulls away."

"What?" Dan shook his head in confusion.

"Look, I never said I was emotionally healthy. It's just kind of my thing. I fall for guys I work with, I told you about that."

"I thought you meant your old partner!" Dan objected.

"Well yeah, Bryce," Sarah nodded. Then started ticking off her fingers. "And Carina, Chuck, Cole Barker, Steve Reynolds, oh and I had a six year affair with Arthur Graham."

"Wow, so, you don't have any feelings for me at all?" Dan asked.

Sarah sighed. "I mean, you're kinda cute and the sex was, adequate. But mostly it was just fun because it was driving Chuck insane. If I move here, well, there's no point, because Chuck can't see me and he'll just forget about me. Eventually he might even move on." Sarah shook her head. "I'm not sure I could handle that."

"So, you want to be with Chuck?" Dan asked.

"I don't know…" Sarah shrugged. "Sometimes."

"Help me out here," Dan shook his head. "You don't want to be with him…then why don't you want to be with me? We're coworkers, we work together. I'm still your direct superior."

"Look, Dan…"

"Agent Shaw," Dan interrupted.

"Er… Agent Shaw, You're going to make some woman a great cardboard cutout of a husband someday. It's just…well… it's not the life I want."

"You mean, you want a meaningless existence where you and Chuck constantly torture each other by almost getting together and then somehow finding a way to blow it again and again?"

Sarah nodded. "Yes, very much. I'm sorry."

Dan whistled and ran his fingers through his hair. "Boy, if I were capable of real emotions, that would really hurt."

"Yeah," Sarah agreed. "I think we're both grateful that you're not."

"It certainly is making this easier to take."

"Thanks, Dan, you're really great. I better get back to Los Angeles before Chuck gets a chance to start healing."

"Right, I guess I'll see ya."

Sarah turned to walk back out the door when Dan called after her. "Sam, wait."

"Yes?" she asked and turned around.

"If you ever get bored messing with Chuck, I'll be here…you know, wearing this tight shirt."

"Thanks." Sarah smiled. "Maybe we'll work together again sometime. I'd like that."

"Me too," Shaw replied. "Or, you know, I would, if I wasn't an emotionless robot."

Sarah smiled and gave a little wave and started her long trip back to Los Angeles, back to the man she you know, kind of, sort of, had feelings about.

_A/N: This is for all of you who really wanted me to write Chuck fan fiction again. I'm afraid this is the place I'm at right now. I hope I didn't ruin anyone's day. Maybe you even laughed. _


	2. Chapter 2 Reconciliation

_**Disclaimer: **__Aren't you glad I don't own Chuck? I don't not even a little and if they asked right now if I wanted to take it. I'm not sure I would. Sucks no? _

_**A/N:**__ I hemmed and hawed about whether or not to post this. It isn't as funny as the first chapter, but that's partly because the first chapter is so absurd. You can only push absurdity so far. Boy aren't Shwartz and Fedak pushing that line? So here you go, like it or not, here's just a little more Sham to hold you over to tonight's episode. _

Chapter2: Reconciliation

Sarah swallowed her pride and pushed the door bell. Once again a dog barked and a few moments later the door opened. "Sam…"

"Hi," Sarah said. "I'm back."

"Okay," Dan replied. He stepped forward and gave Sarah a stiff hug. "I thought you wanted to be in Los Angeles?"

"I did," Sarah fidgeted. "I guess that offer of you in a tight shirt was just too much to pass up."

Dan looked at her suspiciously. "Sam, what's really going on? You didn't come all the way back here just to see me in a tight shirt. Did you?"

Sarah glanced around the room taking in the beige carpet and taupe décor. "I…I just can't be there right now."

"Okay, why don't you tell me what really happened?" Dan asked.

"Well…" Sarah hesitated. She might as well be honest. It's not like she could hurt Dan's feelings. "So I went back to L.A. and at first it was great. Chuck and I had a few awkward moments and we started a few serious conversations that got interrupted at just the wrong moment. I was really happy. Then Beckman ordered that Chuck get his final test even though he clearly wasn't ready. It was a disaster!"

"Did he fail?"

"No!" Sarah exclaimed. "The idiot passed!"

"Er… well if he'd failed were you going to quit the CIA and stay with him?" Dan asked.

"Of course not!"

"Then I don't get what you're upset about…"

"He killed someone!" Sarah exclaimed. "They gave him his red test and my sweet little innocent nerd actually went and killed someone!"

Dan's face scrunched awkwardly as he tried to make an expression that Sarah interpreted as confused. "Well yeah, _that's _the test…"

"How dare he!" Sarah shouted. "How dare he sacrifice his innocence the exact same way I sacrificed my innocence. How dare he ruin my perfect idealic view of him! How could he just take everything we've been awkwardly avoiding for two years and just throw it all away like that?"

"Er…" Dan said. "I think I'm confused."

"Well are you confused or aren't you?" Sarah demanded.

"I'm not sure…"

"Whatever," Sarah huffed. "I just can't believe that he'd think so little of me that when I ordered him to kill someone that he'd actually go and do it. What the hell!"

"Okay, so you're back then." Shaw hugged her again. "It's a real relief. It was different without you here, less crowded, but somehow empty."

"Do mean that you missed me?" Sarah asked in surprise.

"No." Dan shrugged. "Just kind of wondered where you were. So are you staying for good this time?" Dan asked as he grabbed her bag and hauled it into the house.

"I don't think so," Sarah replied.

Dan dropped her bag. "No? Still?"

"I'll probably just stay here a couple more weeks. I can't imagine that people won't be so tired of you by then, that they'll make up some excuse to get rid of you."

"What?" Shaw exclaimed

"Well everyone hates you. At work I mean. Everyone just despises you. I think they'll knock you off soon and I'll have to find a new romantic interest…"

Dan fell back into a chair. "They're going to get rid of me?"

Sarah nodded. "It seems pretty obvious when you think about it. You just seem to be going nowhere. They'll probably send you on some ridiculous suicide mission and make you the noble martyr."

"That sucks!" Dan exclaimed. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

"Well you know, Chuck and I will probably meet up at your funeral. I'll be crying and he'll feel bad. We might even get to hookup before I start acting all cold and distant towards him again."

"You are one seriously crazy woman," Dan shook his head. "Why would you come back if you're certain all this is inevitable?"

"Well you _do_ have a penis. You do still right? I mean I know you don't have any testicles, but you still have the penis?"

Dan nodded. "I'm still mostly fully functional."

"Well there you go. You're a man and we've worked together and I have to be romantically interested in someone. Casey's gone now, so you're all I've got…well you know until Chuck and I spend a few more days or weeks being awkward together. And what do you care? You'll be dead."

"Damn," Dan shook his head. "I keep forgetting about that. Well we should make the most of the time we have left. Do you want to have sex?"

"No." Sarah shook her head. "I'm too upset about Chuck. Let's just go upstairs and give everyone the impression we're having sex."

Dan nodded. "That sounds good to me."


End file.
